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Lady_Hikari
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Country: United States
State: Texas
Gender: Female
Interests: Reading
Drawing
Writing
Learning
Expertise: Not an expert at anything but I enjoy many things.
Message: message me
Member Since:
12/2/2002
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| I sometimes feel as though I'm going to explode.
Our baby was born on 5 June. He is a beautiful child (of course) and I love him dearly. I've been trying very hard to take good care of him and still keep up with the household chores (that I'm physically able to do). It has been very difficult. I've been alone almost every day for the past seven weeks. Sure, initially, family and friends wanted to visit and see him. My husband only had a couple of days off and he used his vacation time as vacation. Now, I feel forgotten. I guess they all figure I can handle it.
I should get out more and find other mothers but I feel overwhelmed and exhausted. He is just now getting into sleeping most of the night. I can't do too much when he's awake. He wants to eat or has to be changed or wants to have someone hold him. Yet, there is laundry and vacuuming and dishes and trying to sort through mounds of paperwork for Medicaid. There is furniture and there are boxes of stuff from the move that were never put away. I am told, "You can't do that! You just had a baby!" If I don't do it, it won't get done.
My dear husband complains that I don't communicate with him. He says I don't ask him to do anything. I've given up asking him. I did ask him ... sometimes ... when he wasn't on the computer or playing a game (as soon as he gets home from work he fires up his laptop for the evening and even falls asleep next to it), but he'd only say, "Sure, I'll do that in a minute. Let me get to a save point." or "I'm working on our website. What do you think of these colours?" Hours later, he finds me doing the original task and gets angry and pulls me off it forcibly, claiming I won't wait even a few minutes. I hate video games. I hate computers too. He says he wants to teach me to play. I'd consider it (even though I prefer reading) if I had the time and I'd have the time if he'd help me do some stuff.
What I really need to get off my chest though is his irresponsible behaviour regarding money. He acts as though it grows on trees and we'll always have it no matter on what he spends it. He bought a wii and I said nothing. He buys lunch and sometimes breakfast several times a week when he could easily make something less expensive at home and take it with him. For our anniversary, he took us to a very expensive restaurant because I'd never been and spent almost $75. *sighs* He's sweet but oblivious.
He wants to start paying on some metroid silliness so he can get it in late August. Okay. We don't have the money in the bank to pay the electric bill this month and he wants to buy another d___ed game. The topper is letting his old bank account slide into disuse and not cancel it so he doesn't have to pay the monthly fee AND not staying on top of a credit card account that now claims he is four payments behind even though he called them months ago to resolve it. He simply won't call these places and take care of it definitively.
He is a marvelous cook. I am grateful for the meals he creates for us. Then I look at the mess he leaves in the kitchen and I want to cry. He doesn't put things away and he never closes cabinet doors. Of course, neither does his family. They all seem to be slobs.
I am so disappointed. I thought he was more mature. I knew he was slobby when I married him but I didn't realize that he would increase my stress level 1000% by not helping me consistently and by disregarding important financial matters. I'm mortally afraid that we will lose our house because we won't be able to make the payments. I selfishly wanted to stay home with our son and take care of the house and our dog, but I will probably have to go back to work soon. With whom will I leave our child?! My mom may be the only person and she's gotten a bit flaky lately.
Still, she's better than his parents. They constantly yell at their kids but don't really enforce any kind of consistent code of behaviour that includes respect. The kids always talk back to their mother. It's shameful. I don't want my son to be like them.
I keep praying that all of this will somehow improve. I wish I knew how to talk to my husband without starting a fight. :'( I may have to start treating him like a child in order to train him to be more responsible. He's a wonderful man and I love him but he seems determined to try out bankruptcy not to mention widowhood for himself.
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| I am usually not so injudicious although I have had my moments of
sudden anger. I fired off an indignant email at a friend after I
learned from someone else what I thought was an injustice. It upset me
to think that this person was emotionally mistreating someone who has
cancer. I felt that this friend was being selfish and told him so.
I suppose it was wrong of me to interfere. I shouldn't have said
anything. My husband thinks I was wrong and should apologize. The
friend won't explain which makes me feel worse. Still, this person with
cancer is so nice and has never made me think she would lie to me. I
don't know. I will have to pray about it.
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| I heard a story on Public Radio today... well, I heard the last few
minutes of it. Feeling the baby move inside me, it made me sad that
people want to experiment on an embryo. In fact, it actually disgusted
me. How can anyone justify the selfishness of trying to clone humans
and kill our progeny in the process?
I fail to understand the rationalization for saying that the embryo and
later, the "fetus," as they call the child, isn't human. How can it not
be? Didn't this being come from human cells? Isn't that the main reason
for trying to experiment, that it's human? Isn't this being growing
right now? If not alive, then what is it? How do we define life? We
seem to have more respect for extremophiles than our own children.
I am disappointed in these scientists, these geneticists who have
disassociated themselves from their humanity. They say they are doing
this to help preserve life, that is, an already well established life,
perhaps a child, a teenager, an older person with Altzeimers. It's
commendable that they want to help those who are ill, but why must it
be at the expense of another human life? Is it because that tiny being
is helpless? We can't see it so it isn't a real person?
It's so sad, so unbelievably terrible that we even try to justify
harming these tiny babies who have done us no wrong and never even
asked to be conceived. We are a sick, selfish, nasty society to be so
blinded and oblivious to their pain. Why should we be so far above them
as to judge whether they live or die? Abortion, fetal stem cell
research, what difference does it make? We are punishing ourselves and
don't realize it. We might be destroying the very fabric of our own
existence and we don't care.
Well, some of us don't care. I do and I don't want my baby to suffer.
It matters not to me if I am uncomfortable because of morning sickness
and vomiting and pains in my back and legs or even if my life is
threatened. It matters not if this child has what this society deems a
"defect" like Down's Syndrome or something like that. I want this baby.
I can't imagine a mother not wanting her own child. I realize I am only
speaking from my own perspective, but I would never forgive myself if
my baby died because of anything I had done. To me that reaction is as
natural as breathing. I think some women deny their basic humanity.
Some day we will pay the piper and it frightens me. We have much for
which to answer. May God have mercy on us for our stupidity,
selfishness, and arrogance.
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| I love my family. I miss them when I don't get to see them. I feel very
strong ties to my parents and siblings. I am proud of them and believe
they are the ones who love me best (except for my dear husband, of
course). I like spending time with them when they are civil and not
acting "like their home was in a tree."
There must be some sort of mental and emotional disturbances rampant in
my family. We don't communicate well. We talk to one another about one another and not to
one another. We are so afraid of causing some sort of family disaster
that we don't confront one another about anything until it's the
breaking point. Unfortunately, I did that very thing. I had no inkling
that I would cause such a rift between myself and my sisters. It's a
complex story but in a heated exchange of emails I discovered that my
youngest sister harbored a great grudge against me for some time and
showed no signs of forgiving me. (My other sister seems to have
gravitated away from me also. I don't know why.)
I regret that I hurt her in any way, but I had no idea at the time that
I had done so. She speaks to me now but our relationship has changed.
In fact, none of my siblings has any respect for me. They frequently
speak to me as though I were to be pitied as being mentally challenged.
They make fun of me in such a way that calls into question my mental
and physical abilities. It is a difficult thing to bear when one's own
family has little or no encouragement or support for one. I have relied
on them to be there for me. Now I realize they are not because they
don't want to be. I rarely see them now. Only my brother has come to
see my house and that was because his wife wanted to see it.
Sometimes, though, I wonder why they snub me. It confuses me that they
plan family events and don't tell me anything about it until an hour or
so beforehand. Do I not deserve to be informed at least a day ahead of
time that I might be allowed to prepare especially for a child's
birthday party? Even if they dislike me, I am still their sister; part
of the family whether they like it or not.
I can't help thinking about my Aunt Helen. Her funeral was today. She
used to be ever ready with a quip and a smile. I can still remember her
laughter. Yet, I never recall that she ever said anything bad about
another person... not in my hearing. She might tease someone but she
never belittled them. I guess that's why I loved to go see her and
visit with her. She was 89 years young as far as I'm concerned and I
will always think of her with a smile and a wink.
How I wish I could think of my siblings with a smile. Maybe someday we
will all grow up and realize what is truly important like Aunt Helen
did. I hope so. I miss them.
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| Have you ever noticed that people who drive Lexus are, by and large, the
most rude, aggravating, and thoughtless drivers on the road? If I'm cut
off, it's a Lexus driver blithely chatting on a cell phone and swinging
past me like I'm not there. My sister speculates that they have a
special video for the buyer to teach them how to be obnoxious. I
believe it.
Of course, it isn't just the drivers. The car's headlights sear one's
eyeballs. It's very painful and unnecessary. It's also dangerous. The
company has a responsibility to make the car safe not only for the
driver but for others as well.
Recently, I heard about a "Good Samaritan" police officer who was
trying to help a stranded motorist and was killed when his car was
rear-ended by a Lexus driver who wasn't paying attention. The officer's
car exploded, and he was killed. I think Lexus should be banned and the
former drivers should be re-educated to be more responsible and aware.
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